An e-mail conversation I’ve been having recently has brought to the surface something that I feel needs to be aired, even though I think this is going to cause quite a bit of trouble. Basically, I have something to confess (and this mainly applies to those call me a friend, but in many ways it applies to everyone I know):
I don’t trust you. I probably never have. If I once did, such trust is long, long gone. Chances are you’ve done nothing to deserve this distrust. In fact, your trustworthiness is probably beyond reproach, repeatedly demonstrable and earned. The fact is however, that I can’t trust you. To do so jeapoardises my self-esteem, because it depends on you not turning your back on me. The ‘me’ I’ve never revealed to you, yet you probably already see. If I keep you out, then I can’t really lose you, even if you go. If I let you in, untold damage can be done, and has been done. You don’t even have to do the damage, I’ll manage that all by myself.
It’s nothing personal.