Narrator:  …but for reasons that are only evident to me now, I understood that he simply wanted it more; that he just had more invested. 

So I left.

He had already performed the task, as I had intended to, of recording the conversations of the day, just in case.  Through that earpiece he had a 3-second lead on the world…

Primer

Cassie: I know the argument. I know the logic. You’re saying you need my vote. I’m saying you can’t have it.

Sunshine

Some people don’t do politics.  Some people don’t do religion.  Some people don’t do celebrities.

I don’t do advice.  Mostly.  Not for *me*, anyway.

To understand what I mean, you need to understand how it is I make decisions.  The most important point is that I do not think my decisions.  I feel them.  The way that this works is that I think about the thing I wish to consider and note my feelings as I do so.  Having done this, I have a conversation with myself where I give myself the logical arguments concerning the topic and then note how my feelings change.  Until my feelings resolve, I will do my best to hold off acting or speaking my opinion, except where I believe the hearer is likely to have a relevant perspective or insight.  As time passes, that happens less and less.

Indeed, on some unresolved questions I simply avoid discussing the topic wherever possible, because I’m utterly sick to death of hearing the same things over and over and over.  Indeed, most conversations I have where people try to give me advice, are conversations I have already had with myself on numerous occasions.  If I don’t listen to me, why in the world would I listen to you?  Even worse, it’s not like I can articulate why I’m disregarding you (remember it’s not a rational process), so I can’t even engage you.  I just have to smile and nod.  Don’t take it personal, like.  You’re still a wonderful human being.  And hey, I’m totally down for giving you advice anytime you like! 😉

The last thing to mention is that the timescales for this process can be extremely protracted.  Sometimes I’ve tried to force myself to take the seemingly logical option and stop what I consider to be procrastinating.  It rarely ends well.  I’ve realised that when I do that, I always feel like I’ve been unnecessarily rushed by someone else’s principles and priorities and that sense of confinement sabotages whatever it is I’m doing.  I’m learning to instead trust myself when my gut says “not yet”, even when no-one else gets it.

There is such a thing as exercising faith in yourself.

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